Helping Your Family Cope When a Pet Dies

I realize that this can be a tough subject for many people but it is important to talk about.

Most of us have family pets and most of us view them as a member of the family, also the

death of a pet is often the first encounter most children have with death. I hope this post will help

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

A pet is often a member of the family. In fact, surveys show some interesting facts about pet owners: 84% consider their animals family members; 99% talk to their pets and 54% celebrate their pet's birthday.

The term "man's best friend" brings to mind the unconditional love, constant companionship and acceptance we feel for our pets. And why not? Your pet can take you for a walk, listen when you need someone to talk to or even guard your house. A pet can also lower your blood pressure, change your heart rate or alleviate feelings of chronic loneliness.

With your capacity to love your pet comes the necessity to grieve when that "best friend" dies. The death of a pet is, without a doubt, a traumatic experience. This article is intended to help you and your family acknowledge the need to grieve at this time and to do so in a healthy way.

A Pet's Death is Significant

No, it's not "just a dog" or "just a cat." The animal is a family member. With the death of that pet, the family experiences a significant loss. A difficult problem, however, is that society often denies you the need to grieve for your pet. You may even be chastised for openly and honestly expressing your feelings. As a result, your grief may be hidden, buried or ignored. Although denied understanding and support, your family needs to grieve the death of your pet. Grieving means to express your feelings, no matter how painful, outside of yourselves.

Clichés Don't Help You Heal

Your family will probably be greeted with many clichés when your pet dies. Clichés are trite comments intended to diminish the loss by providing simple solutions to difficult realities. Comments like, "It was just a dog," or "You can always get another one," or "Be glad you don't have to take care of him anymore" are not constructive. Instead they hurt and make your family's journey through grief more difficult.

Memories are the Best Legacies

Memories are one of the best legacies after the death of a pet. Talk about and embrace these memories. Your pet entertained, comforted, frustrated but always loved you. Remember those times. If your memories bring laughter, smile. If they bring sadness, cry. Remember, though, memories made in love can never be taken away.

Your Emotions Will Vary

When your pet dies, you will probably experience a variety of emotions: confusion, disorganization, sadness, explosive emotions or guilt. Don't repress these feelings and ignore anyone who tells you that you should. Don't over-analyze your response. Just allow your feelings to find expression. As strange as some of these feelings may seem, they are normal and healthy.

Each family member probably had a unique relationship with the pet. Allow for different emotional responses within the family, and be careful to respect each person's need to grieve in his or her own way.

Should You Choose Euthanasia?

When you love your pet, no question is more difficult than whether or not to euthanize. Yet this difficult choice is often the right one, particularly if your pet is in agonizing pain or the quality of life has deteriorated. Sometimes the cost of the treatment for a particular disease has also become prohibitive.

Talk to your veterinarian about euthanasia. Fortunately, humane procedures can end needless suffering for both you and your pet. The intravenous drug used for euthanasia does not cause pain. After visiting with your vet, make your decision based on your own good judgment. If you have always treated your pet with gentleness and love, you will probably make a wise choice based upon the reality of the situation. Some owners want to be present when their pets are euthanized. Some do not. Whichever choice you make, you may still want to spend some special time saying "goodbye" to your pet.

Rituals Can be Helpful

Allowing and encouraging your family to have a funeral for the pet that has died can be helpful. It provides a time to acknowledge the loss, share memories of the pet and create a focus for the family to openly express emotions. While some friends or even family members may think having a funeral for your pet is foolish, don't let them take this special time away. Design a ritual that best meets your needs as you gather to pay tribute to a pet who was and always will be loved.

Children Need to be Involved

The death of a pet is often the first opportunity parents have to help children during times of grief. Unfortunately, parents often don't want to talk about the death assuming that by doing so the children will be spared some of the pain and sadness.

Children, however, are entitled to grieve for their pets. Any child old enough to love is old enough to grieve. And many children love their pets with all their hearts. As an adult, if you are open, honest and loving, experiencing the death of a pet can be a chance for children to learn about both the joy- and the pain- that comes from caring deeply for pets or for people.

You may not experience the same depth of loss as your children when a family pet dies. You must still respect their grief and allow them to express it without feeling abandoned. Your response during this time can make the difference whether children's first exposure to death will be a positive or a negative part of their personal growth and development.

Older Adults have Special Needs

For older adults, the relationship with a pet is often the most meaningful relationship they have in their lives. The death of the pet can have a significant impact, particularly if the older adult is isolated from human contact. Under these circumstances, the pet becomes a "very best friend."

When the pet dies, the experience may trigger old griefs from losses encountered throughout life. It is imperative that family and friends are sensitive to the older adults needs during this time. Respond with warmth and understanding and let them "teach you" about the special relationship with their beloved pet.

Premature Replacement Can Cause Problems

The temptation after the death of a pet may be to run out and get another one right away. In fact, you are often encouraged to do so by family and friends. Although it may sound like a good idea, you should be careful about premature replacement. You need time to grieve and to heal when your pet dies. A new pet demands your energy and attention which at some point you may be ready and willing to give. Right now, however, you should first attend to your grief.

Be especially careful about premature replacement of pets with children. It sends a message to a child that says when something is lost all that you have to do is buy another one. In reality, that is often not the case. It also devalues the significance of the pet that just died. While there is no specific timetable for when to get a new pet, when in doubt-wait. Allow for additional healing to occur. When the family is ready for a new pet, involve the children in the discussion and selection so they can feel a part of the decision.

Some Closing Thoughts About the Death of a Pet

Hopefully, this brochure has helped you understand why your family grieves so deeply when a beloved pet dies. Pets don't criticize or judge you. They just love and accept you unconditionally. When a pet dies, you and your family must accept the need to grieve. Even though others around you may attempt to minimize your grief, the hurt must be embraced to be lessened. Be patient and tolerant as you slowly move toward healing.

About the Author

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing grief counselor. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and presents dozens of grief-related workshops each year across North America. Among his books are Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas and The Healing Your Grieving Heart Journal for Teens. For more information, write or call The Center for Loss and Life Transition, 3735 Broken Bow Road, Fort Collins, Colorado 80526, (970) 226-6050 or visit their website, www.centerforloss.com.

Related Resources

• Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas (book)

The Mourner's Bill of Rights

I found this the other day and I would like to share it with everyone. It will really give you insight

into how to help those that are grieving.

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.

No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts."

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual.

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.

You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

Watts Cares with Twitter

Why a twitter account?

It wasn’t easy convincing every member of the Watts Family & Staff that there was an urgent need for a Twitter account – until our local daily newspaper announced a three day hiatus from their newsgathering to celebrate the New Year.

You might be surprised to learn of a series of early deadlines for the Palatka Daily News delivered to your door between December 30 and January 2nd. Thus a family needing to place an obituary in a newspaper before Saturday, January 2, will be out of luck after Thursday at noon.

Not a big deal right?

Would you want to have your loved one’s visitation without having an obituary run in the newspaper prior to the day of the event? If not – it will mean waiting until Tuesday, January 5th to host a visitation.

Here are the deadlines announced by the Palatka Daily News:

For an obituary to appear:

Thursday, the deadline is Wednesday at 3:00 (not unusual for a holiday)

Friday, the deadline is Thursday at 12PM

Tuesday, the deadline is Saturday at 12 PM

I learned long ago not to pick a fight with someone who buys ink by the barrel, so rather than object to these deadlines, we’ve launched a free Twitter service known as

PUTNAMDEATHS

It can be accessed at:

http://twitter.com/putnamdeaths

If you don’t know much about Twitter – you are not alone – and this writer is among you.

We’ve launched this venture to ensure that anyone who wishes to have up to the minute obituary information will have access to it when they check Twitter, without artificial deadlines.

Here’s a tip: once you have pasted the above address into your screen, you can click the “follow” button to begin receiving notices whenever a death notice is posted. A link will be included in each update to allow readers the opportunity to connect to the complete obituary. (Remember, Twitter allows only 140 characters in a post, so a death notice, will look much like the death notices that we see in the local newspaper).

We’ll be glad to post death notices from other area funeral homes – free of charge – and link their death notices back to funeral home websites where complete obituary information can be found.

Newspapers are a lively and relevant source for local news. Obituaries are news, and are the not only the first read sections in newspapers, but also the most widely read.

It is our hope that this Twitter service will give proper consideration to those families who face a loss on and around the holidays.

Coping With Grief During The Holidays

I have a post on my blog about grief during the Hollidays.
I posted one last week about the same subject. I wanted to post
the one because it deals with more specific examples.

Although the holiday season characteristically fosters feelings of happiness and joy
among family and friends, the hustle and bustle of the holiday season can feel
overwhelming for those coping with the death of a loved one.

While it might seem that everyone else around you is in the festive spirit, it is
normal to feel increased anguish during the holidays, even if your loss is not
recent. However, there are things that you can do to ease your grief during this
time of year. I would like to offer the following suggestions to help you cope with the holiday season:

Nourish Your Mind and Body

It’s easy to overlook the physically draining effect the holidays can have on individuals, an
impact magnified for those who have experienced the death of a loved one.
To boost your energy level: Stay well hydrated and do not overindulge in alcohol; eat balanced,
nutritious meals; stay active and find an exercise program you enjoy; and get enough
sleep. Most importantly, listen to what your body is telling you. If you don’t feel well, take time to rest. If your fatigue persists, see your physician.

Pay Tribute to Your Loved One

There are many ways to honor and remember your loved one and even the simplest of acts can represent his or her importance in your life. Consider making a donation to a charity in your loved one’s name, volunteering at an organization that was significant to your loved one, or attending a holiday memorial service sponsored by a funeral home or faith community.

Maintain Balance
While it might feel tempting to avoid celebrating the holidays altogether, it is difficult to escape
the season entirely. Family celebrations will still go on, even if they will not be the same as they
once were. It’s important to acknowledge that things will be different. Don’t feel as if you need
to attend every gathering you’re invited to; however, even a small amount of time spent with family and friends can prove therapeutic. Just make sure to balance your social activities with solitude.

Express Your Grief; Maintain
a Positive Perspective It’s okay to let the tears flow. Crying will offer a release and is often quite healing. However, be sure to complement these feelings of sadness with positive thoughts.
Acknowledge the support you have received from family and friends in your time of grief. Remember the many happy holidays you spent with your loved one. Finally, remember that while the upcoming days and weeks might seem daunting, you willget through them.

For additional
grief resources please visit our website http://www.wattsfuneralhomes.com/
or call us at 386-328-1414

Helping Yourself Heal During the Holiday Season

My family realizes how difficult the Holidays can be. We wanted to give families in our
area some encouragement during the holiday season.

My friend Alan Wolfelt operates a grief support service called the Centers For Loss and Life Transition he was kind enough to supply me with a writing of his concerning Loss and the Holiday Season. I hope that everyone finds is helpful.



Helping Yourself Heal During the Holiday Season
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.


Holidays are often difficult for anyone who has experienced the death of someone loved. Rather than being times of family togetherness, sharing and thanksgiving, holidays can bring feelings of sadness, loss and emptiness.


Love Does Not End With Death
Since love does not end with death, holidays may result in a renewed sense of personal grief-a feeling of loss unlike that experienced in the routine of daily living. Society encourages you to join in the holiday spirit, but all around you the sounds, sights and smells trigger memories of the one you love who has died.


No simple guidelines exist that will take away the hurt you are feeling. We hope, however, the following suggestions will help you better cope with your grief during this joyful, yet painful, time of the year. As you read through this article, remember that by being tolerant and compassionate with yourself, you will continue to heal.


Talk About Your Grief
During the holiday season, don't be afraid to express your feelings of grief. Ignoring your grief won't make the pain go away and talking about it openly often makes you feel better. Find caring friends and relatives who will listen-without judging you. They will help make you feel understood.


Be tolerant of Your Physical and Psychological Limits
Feelings of loss will probably leave you fatigued. Your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. And lower your own expectations about being at your peak during the holiday season.

Eliminate Unnecessary Stress
You may already feel stressed, so don't overextend yourself. Avoid isolating yourself, but be sure to recognize the need to have special time for yourself. Realize also that merely "keeping busy" won't distract you from your grief, but may actually increase stress and postpone the need to talk out thoughts and feelings related to your grief.


Be With Supportive, Comforting People
Identify those friends and relatives who understand that the holiday season can increase your sense of loss and who will allow you to talk openly about your feelings. Find those persons who encourage you to be yourself and accept your feelings-both happy and sad.



Talk About the Person Who Has Died
Include the person's name in your holiday conversation. If you are able to talk candidly, other people are more likely to recognize your need to remember that special person who was an important part of your life.


Do What Is Right for You During the Holidays
Well-meaning friends and family often try to prescribe what is good for you during the holidays.

Instead of going along with their plans, focus on what you want to do. Discuss your wishes with a caring, trusted friend.


Talking about these wishes will help you clarify what it is you want to do during the holidays. As you become aware of your needs, share them with your friends and family.
Plan Ahead for Family Gatherings



Decide which family traditions you want to continue and which new ones you would like to begin. Structure your holiday time. This will help you anticipate activities, rather than just reacting to whatever happens. Getting caught off guard can create feelings of panic, fear and anxiety during the time of the year when your feelings of grief are already heightened. As you make your plans, however, leave room to change them if you feel it is appropriate.


Embrace Your Treasure of Memories
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. And holidays always make you think about times past. Instead of ignoring these memories, share them with your family and friends. Keep in mind that memories are tinged with both happiness and sadness. If your memories bring laughter, smile. If your memories bring sadness, then it's alright to cry. Memories that were made in love-no one can ever take them away from you.


Renew Your Resources for Living
Spend time thinking about the meaning and purpose of your life. The death of someone loved created opportunities for taking inventory of your life-past, present and future. The combination of a holiday and a loss naturally results in looking inward and assessing your individual situation. Make the best use of this time to define the positive things in life that surround you.



Express Your Faith
During the holidays, you may find a renewed sense of faith or discover a new set of beliefs. Associate with people who understand and respect your need to talk about these beliefs. If your faith is important, you may want to attend a holiday service or special religious ceremony. As you approach the holidays, remember: grief is both a necessity and a privilege. It comes as a result of giving and receiving love. Don't let anyone take your grief away. Love yourself. Be patient with yourself. And allow yourself to be surrounded by loving, caring people.

Tree Of Memories

It has been a tough year for many families in our community and several months ago my family decided we wanted to do something special for the families we served this year. We understand how important and special each life is and how each life deserves to be honored. To honor those lives we have place a Christmas Tree in our San Mateo Location called the Tree Of Memories. This memorial contains the names of over three hundred families we have served in 2009. My family and the entire Watts Funeral Home and Cremation Center staff are proud to be the only funeral care provider in our area to offer such a tribute to local families who have experienced a loss. The Tree Of Memories will be on display at our San Mateo location now through December 31, 2009. I encourage those who have experienced a loss this year to stop by and view the tree, we are open Monday through Friday 8:00am to 5:00 pm. If you would like to add a name to our Tree of Memories you may do so. The Tree of memories is open to everyone even if the Watts Family did not serve the family during the loss. Simply stop by the funeral home to receive a free angel ornament that you can personalize. The Watts Family counts it an honor that so many local families have placed their trust in our family their year, that trust is never taken for granted.

Cremation For Catholics?

Q: My family has always held the view that as Catholics, we cannot be cremated. I know that at one time, it (cremation) was considered taboo. What is the official church position on cremation for a Catholic?

A: The Catholic Church references cremation in the 1918 Code of Canon Law by stating "the Church permits cremation, provided that it does not demonstrate a denial of faith in the resurrection of the body." (#2301) Previously, the church held that earth burial in a tomb was Christlike, and that destruction of the body by cremation denied the resurrection of the dead and the immorality of the soul.

Catholics are now able to choose cremation "in case of necessity" according to a 1997 publication from the National Conference of Catholic Bishops titled "Reflections on the Body, Cremation and Catholic Funeral Rites", although "The Church earnestly recommends the pious custom of burial be retained; but it does not forbid cremation, unless this is chosen for reasons which are contrary to Christian teaching". (Code of Canon Law, # 1176, revised 1983)

When a family chooses cremation, the Church prefers that the body be present for a Funeral Mass, then cremated following committal rites. The church does permit, when not practically feasible for the body to be present, the cremated body "enclosed in a fitting container or worthy vessel" to be present at a Funeral Mass.

Why such concern for the body, one may ask? People of Catholic faith believe that care for the deceased emphasizes the dignity of the human body. Proper care of the body following death emphasizes the church held belief in personal resurrection. Following a Funeral Mass, and once cremation is completed, church preference is for the cremated remains to be buried in a grave or committed to a niche in a columbarium at a consecrated cemetery. Scattering cremated remains over private property or at sea, or retaining the cremated body in the home, is considered contrary to a reverent disposition of a body.

Local Parish Priests will gladly answer your individual questions regarding cremation.

My family has created a brochure concerning cremation and the Catholic faith. You can receive a free copy of this brochure by calling us at 386-328-1414 or request online at http://wattsfuneralhomes.com/_mgxroot/page_10777.php